A Rational Defense of Ratchetness by Jersey Campbell

Do you live in the New York Metropolitan area? Turn on your radio (do radios still exist?). Now turn the FM dial to 105.1 or 97.1. Soak in the ignorance. Bask in the ratchetness. Let it marinate in your mind.

“Ratchetness” is an epidemic people, and it doesn’t look like slowing down anytime soon. Don’t fret people of Earth, there is a way to reconcile the rampant ratchetness infecting our culture with ideas that make actual sense and can be identified as reasonable.

Let’s take a look-see at some ratchet tunes and discover the real meaning behind them.  

Trinidad James “All Gold Everything”

One of my ex’s is from Trinidad. She says they’re very proud of what he’s doing down there. I can see why. Let’s check out the vid:

Popped a molly I’m sweatin’, WOO! Let’s break this baby down.

Mr. James has a shitload of gold, and that shit is everywhere. I’ve seen this video at least 20x (it’s my fav song right now… sad, I know), and it wasn’t until I started writing this that I realized there is a GOLD SHOPPING CART IN THE VIDEO. There is a gold shopping cart in this video. I repeat- there is a GOLD SHOPPING CART in this video. Not only is there a GOLD SHOPPING CART, but also a grown man is riding in said GOLD SHOPPING CART. Gold is indeed everywhere.

“Don’t believe me just watch.” This is a warning- get your gold or be left with worthless paper money. The gold is everywhere because Trinidad is a student of economy and currency. Trinidad knows the value of the dollar decreases with every new dollar printed by the US Mint. So what does he do? He transfers all this wealth into gold. Hence, gold being everywhere. I’m glad he has convinced his hood brethren to transfer their wealth as well. Trinidad leads by example; let’s follow in this great man’s footsteps. NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA.

A$AP Rocky “Fucking Problem” feat. Drake, 2 Chainz & Kendrick Lamar

You think these guys have a problem don’t you? They don’t. Loving bad bitches is not a problem.

This is truly a song about love. Love what do you, forget what everybody else says. We know this because Drizzy Drake mentions staring at the sky with a lady friend while listening to the Beatles. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say 95% of the people who enjoy this song wouldn’t know a Beatles tune from the backside of one of the bad bitches discussed in this track. Drake likes the Beatles though, and that’s his fucking problem. If you don’t like it, that’s your fucking problem. Rock on brothers, you have my support. 

Juicy J “Bandz A Make Her Dance” feat. Lil Wayne & 2 Chainz

Sometimes we gotta get real meta to understand the underlying meanings of the supposed ratchetness.

Bandz a make her dance. Until I looked the track up I swore it was “Bands will make her dance”… Anyhoo, this is not a song about going to strip clubs and making it rain, you thought it was didn’t you? You silly goose. While it is ostensibly about what we just said it wasn’t about, upon further examination we find that Juicy Jay… oh fuck it. This song is terrible. There’s no hope. I was going to try and say something like, “Juicy J is attempting to free women from the tyranny of objectifying eyes,” or, “This track is about going to the strip club and discovering true love. You present your newfound love with wedding bands; she dances for joy upon hearing the wonderful and exciting news.” Actually… that kind of makes sense?

Lil Wayne “No Worries” feat. Detail

The title says it all. No worries. You know what I say when people disappoint me? No worries. I ain’t got no worries.

When Weezy F Baby (please say the baby) picks up the hitchhiker as he’s traveling through Bat Country, we see the look of a man content with life. No matter what trials and tribulations he may confront in life, he takes in all in stride. Maybe he needs a little bit of help from his friends, but even if you forget to get the bikini wax done, put that vagina in his face because he doesn’t care.

Judging from the other YMCB appearances in this article, it’s safe to say none of them care what we think- they are individuals representing individualism. Is that why we love them so much?

2 Chainz “I’m Different”

There are two ways to look at this song.

Option 1:

Mr. Chainz hook says one thing, but the video and the rest of the lyrics say something totally different. This song is meant to represent the sameness of all human beings. Chainz is consciously exposing that whole “everybody is unique” bullshit. Nobody is different, even the people who say they are.

Option 2:

Or he could just be saying that he’s different from the other bum ass niggas in his hood. He’s got so many different women, he takes so many drugs, he pays $1,000 for his kicks, he’s on another level. He’s different… I prefer the first option.

Death Grips “Guillotine”

Wait a sec, what is this video doing here? This ain’t ratchet. This is some realness! 2012's song of the year. Just wanted to expose you guys to some real music.

There’s a definite theme among these songs- other then ratchetness of course. The men (are we allowed to call them that?) featured here all love to treat women as playthings while throwing money at them, flaunt how awesome they are, and marvel at the size of their sex. For the sake of space (and ADD) we kept the list short. We left out some dandies- 2 Chainz “Birthday Song”- so maybe we’ll have to do another edition soon. Until then, remember that there is always a perfectly rational explanation why someone would have a gold shopping cart.