**Vicarious World's Best of the Month**- The Oct-boner* entries

*Oct-boner refers to the frenzy experienced by Jersey Campbell during post-season baseball.

At the conclusion of every month Vicarious World's team of (wannabe) writers comes up with a totally arbitrary list of our top blog posts during that time. Somehow, someway, the wonderful people of Vicarious World have made it through a second month without being arrested and/or attacked by a gang of feminists. This month, we've got a wide range of articles that covers everything from moving in day at a prestigious SUNY school to a man who gave everything he had in the name of saving people he'd never meet. Will we be back next month? Oh, who knows? Let's just relax and enjoy the best Vicarious World has to offer for this month. Read... and be merry.

Domestic Abuse: Why do they stay? by NYC Robert

"Why are you here? I don't even care about you! You’re that…that stuff at the bottom of my shoes after I accidentally step in a pile of dog crap. Yeah…that. That's what you are!"

How would you feel if your significant other said that to you? Probably like shit, but are hurtful things like that always said or done so blatantly? Are you the person who says these hurtful things, if so, why?

Billion Dollar Pimps, Million Dollar Hoes by Jersey Campbell

      We’re in the thick of one of the best World Series of recent memory, NCAA Football is kicking into gear, and NFL Football still dominates the first half hour of SportsCenter. Nobody really misses basketball.

                  Its day whatever of the NBA lockout, and the Billion Dollar Pimps are still bickering with the Million Dollar Hoes. The hoes want to keep more of their hard earned money and the pimps want to retain more of the money they’ve invested in their franchises. Everybody is slapping their egos around and crying foul play by the other side. Let’s toss aside notions of right and wrong and look at these selfish parties as they are. Referring to them as prostitutes may be insincere but that’s exactly what it is. Kinda.

A peek inside the soul of a soulless man Pt. III: Reality Reconstruction by Jersey Campbell

Pt.I

Pt.II

From when I was a little tyke running from the girls with the cooties in the schoolyard my reality was developing itself. Well it was even before then, from when I was born in North Shore hospital and when my cute Martian-sized forehead began taking in this whole new world around him; my reality was beginning to take shape. I said that my reality was developing itself, what I meant to say was my reality was developing in virtue of the people and the things that surrounded me. I was incapable of developing anything during that time of my life with the exception of some feces in my diaper.

Stop Hating Chick! by NYC Robert

The other day, while at work, I was having lunch with a co-worker (Allister) when a female friend (didn’t catch her name) of his walked in. We all
chatted for a while, and then another co-worker (Trigay) walked in. At that time, the other female co-worker was leaving so we said our goodbyes, but Trigay mumbled “skizzer."  I later asked Trigay why she had said that, and she corrected me and told me that it wasn’t directed towards that co-worker. Instead, it was directed towards Allister.  A bit puzzled, I asked her why do females hate on girls when there isn't really anything to hate on. Trigay had a lot to say, but it honestly wasn’t rocket science.

PLNL: El Capitan and the incompetence of the Putas by Jersey Campbell

For our second feature on the news and notes of the Professional Ladies of the Night League, Jersey Campbell takes a look at the Puerto Rican Putas- a franchise that has been stuck in the XXX League for over two decades- and the man solely responsible for their most recent failures. 

It’s been 24 years since the Puerto Rican Putas have seen the perverse glory of the Playboy Club and an even more mystifying 15 years since they’ve been in the top two of the XXX League. For a region with that much talent, continuous underachievement seems devastatingly puzzling.

PLNL: And the Blow Goes On by Jersey Campbell

Vicarious World now has the exclusive reporting rights to the Professional Ladies of the Night League. We are extremely pleased and honored to be the only news outlet worthy enough to cover the PLNL. There will be many stories and updates on the PLNL along with the pimps and hoes that the league is famous for. For our first article detailing the comings and goings of the PLNL our very own Jersey Campbell writes a mini-synopsis of the trophy winning Chicago Blow franchise.  Read, and be merry. 

A Pimp Named Slickback doesn’t put “Homies ova Hoes,” but everything else is fair game. The 2011 Professional Ladies of the Night League Champions Chicago Blow are through resting on their laurels, and A Pimp Named Slickback continues to work 15-hour work days through the off-season. 

A Story by K.V. Sart

            This is a story.  It is a short story.  There are characters.  The antagonist and protagonist are both relatable and this creates conflict.  The question of justice causes disagreement. 

            The description is thorough but not overdone.  An imaginative reader is necessary.  The style is unique but understandable.  The form follows the plot.

            The narration does not overextend.  Perspective stays consistent within the narration.  The timing and tenses make sense.  The dialogue is not filler.  When the characters talk, it is important to the plot.

            The characters seem real, though they are not.  The internal logic is valid, though externally it may not be.  The sequence of events is surprising, but believable.

            It ends at precisely the right moment.

The Possible Effects of Teen Pregnancies by NYC Robert

Last week I read “Real talk: Let’s Talk About Teen Sex” by Demetria L. Lucas. After reading I thought about how teen pregnancy can lead to problems in other aspects of life. It really isn't rocket science as to how I puzzled these factors together. They include health risks such as obesity, coronary heart disease, diabetes, and sedentary lifestyle, which is soon to be the number one killer. There are also behavioral factors, among others, but for now I’ll leave it general; mainly because I don't want to make this too long. So, if you’re asking how teen pregnancy can effect those things, here’s how. 

My Humiliation by Kelly Sagina

 “Humiliation involves a triangle: (1) the victim, (2) the abuser and (3) the witness. The humiliated person may also behold her own degradation, or may imagine someone else, in the future, watching it or hearing about it. This is what Wayne Koestenbaum thinks about humiliation.

Jersey Campbell's "How is a nigga gonna borrow a fry?" of the day- The DUI edition

I didn’t think I would have to come back with one of these so soon. Alas, here we are, and niggas still act like fries can be borrowed. 

"I seen the hatred in his eyes the first time I walked in the class. All he saw when he looked at me was a black nigger."

I was in an unfortunate incident a month ago and now the county is trying to fuck their way up my ass and into my small intestine. I don’t know if you’ve ever been ass fucked before but it really hurts.

*Vicarious World Special*- Roads to Freedom

Vicarious World would like to present the critically acclaimed pilot of the UAlbany pseudo reality show, "Roads to Freedom." Directed and produced by Daquan "DJ iChunez" Stukes, it features Vicarious World writer Jersey Campbell (identified by his slave name, Cory A. Washington). Unfortunately, we were only able to finish one episode. And here it is. Watch, and be merry.

Roads to Freedom- episode 1 (it's second video listed on the right)

What type of questions should you ask on a date? by NYC Robert

Going on a date should be exciting, fun, and interesting. However, sometimes you may not ask the right questions. The right questions are opened-ended. They allow for conversation; and as a result you learn more about the other person. What you don’t want to do is ask closed-ended questions because they don’t allow for conversation. They’re more abrupt and lead to short conversation. These include questions like: what do you do for a living? Do you like fruits? Do you like the beach? Each one of those questions could be answered with a single statement, or a few words; and that is not what you want if you’re interested in someone. A date is to find out more about how someone thinks, behaves, and responds to certain things you do, and say. So, if you aren’t very good at asking opened-ended question here are some you can use. These will also help you make your own.

Jersey Campbell's "How is a nigga gonna borrow a fry?" of the day

Vicarious World would like to introduce you to Jersey Campbell’s newest running gimmick, “How is a nigga gonna borrow a fry?”

I am a man of many gimmicks; this may be my favorite one yet. If you aren’t familiar with the comic strip-turned- cartoon The Boondocks, now is the time for acquaintance. I'll save the 1,000 word explanation and provide you with a link to the episode of note at the end of this post. “How is a nigga gonna borrow a fry?” will tackle happenings, stories and policies that make no sense but are taken for granted. Everybody knows it’s impossible to “borrow” any type of food, yet people still ask right? It’s important to note that amid this outrageous question is an aspect even more ridiculous than the question itself. You’ll know what I’m talking about when you see the video.

Career Fair Crashers by Jersey Campbell

NYC Rob and I looking like businessmen or something

I've been out of school for four-plus months and still haven't found a job yet. Yes, I know, Vicarious World is my job. But people tell me I should be looking for a job that could put some money in my pockets. So when NYC Robert told me about a local career fair going on today I dusted off my shirt and tie and resurrected my dress shoes for the occasion.

*Vicarious World Special*- Is It Love? by Kelly Sagina

Vicarious World would like to introduce Kelly Sagina. Kelly likes long walks on the beach and can often be found riding her bike to and from the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Michelle Obama likes to think that she stole Barack from her, but she knows Kelly was done with him by them. Kelly is a welcome addition to the Vicarious World team of wannabe writers. Read, and be merry. 

I still think about him. I still remember the way he looked at me when we first met and how he smiled at me. I remember how he wrote his phone number in ridiculously huge numbers on notebook paper so I wouldn’t forget or lose it. These were happier and more innocent times, before everyone had a cell phone and during the epitome of the internet boom. Even though we don’t speak at all now, I always find my life crossing paths with his. He and I got the same scar down our bellies from two different accidents in two very different parts of the world. He was riding his bicycle in Brooklyn and was struck by a car and ruptured his spleen. I was in Spain in the back seat of a car on my way to my grandma's house from the beach. Our car collided head on with another car. The impact was so forceful that it caused the seat belt I was wearing to make significant damage to my intestines. We both went through exploratory laparatomies within 3 months of each other, his accident being before mine. I found out about his accident after mine of course, I saw some pictures on his Facebook of him being in the hospital so I called him and we met up for oysters and beer and talked about how we could’ve died.

Subjectivity by K.V. Sart

I have found it to be true that, at the end of the day, if you go to bed drunk, you will be happy with what you have accomplished.