I look around me and everyone is having a grand old time. $8 pitchers, $1 draft beer, how could you not enjoy yourself in a place like this? And even though I have more than enough drinks in me, I still feel over consciousness of where I am and what I'm doing. I analyze every subtle movement my body makes. The timing of my steps, the level of my eyes, the amount of grin I put into my mouth.
Over the years I find myself becoming more and more of an observer. Rather than actively participate in conversation, I'll slyly sit in the depths of the background and soak in what everyone is saying. After awhile, you see patterns and modes of behavior that become common place and are taken for granted. Why can't I just enjoy the environment without having to constantly think about it? What prevents me from throwing myself at a situation without any socially paralyzing inhibitions or overriding thoughts?
Calling oneself a nihilist is itself a contradiction. Because if you don't believe in anything you can't possibly believe in nihilism. (Am I boring you yet? No? Ok give me a few more sentences.) If everything means nothing, then why even be alive? Why wake up in the morning and go to work, or mow the lawn, or take your child to school? If nothing matters, then you yourself, the thinker, does not matter either.
Let's do an imaginary exercise for the brain. If you were a nihilist, how would you justify your nihilism? How could you explain to the sister who has been working as hard as a sharecropper for the last 16 years of her life that all the shit she just put herself through has been for naught? How do you preform any task without a feeling of detachment from yourself, from the world as you have experienced?
The truth is, you can't.
NYC Robert and I had an enlightening discussion the other night about truth. The two contrasting points were truth is independent of human thought and it exists whether we acknowledge it or not. The other point was that truth is what each individual believes the truth to be. People make their own truths (If I have misinterpreted your claim please let me know). We never settled on a conclusion, and I doubt there will ever be a solid full-proof answer to this question, but it is worth thinking about.
We cannot tell other people how to perceive their world. Try presenting all of the legitimate facts that point to the conclusion that God does not exist to a christian man... you won't get anywhere with him. If he truly believes God exist, then God does exist, even if only if his mind.
If the truth lies only in perception, then there are no fundamental truths, no moral code common to every individual, no possibility for a world of zero contradictions. So you see, I have lost my soul, or maybe I never had it. The conundrum of reality (multiple realities in this case) leaves me feeling like Humpty Dumpty. No matter how hard we try, my soul will never be mended back together.