Now
that the NFL will cease to dominate our sporting lives for the time being (the
NFL Draft is less than three months away! Coaches getting fired! The Combine! Peyton Manning to *insert team here*! Tim Tebow fighting for a starting spot again!)
the American sporting world can finally focus on the NBA and its annual
showcase event, All-Star Weekend.
The
All-Star starters were announced two weeks ago, and this week the coaches
vote on the All-Star reserves. We all know voters are dimwitted and lean toward
idiocracy; so being the public servant that I am, I will present my picks not
only for the All-Star rosters, but also my picks for who should participate in
the Three Point Shootout and the Dunk Contest. Yes, J. Camps has done his
research and figured out a totally objective formula that will reveal who
deserves to be invited to participate in the 2012 All-Star Weekend. Are you as
excited as I am? Let’s get it on!
A couple of rules before we begin:
1)
Defending champs ALWAYS defend their title.
These ancillary All-Star events should mean something to those who participate.
That’s wonderful for fans of the Dunk Contest, not so wonderful for fans of the
Three Point Shootout.
A)
For the Three Point Champ: even if you retire
you are required to defend your title.
2)
Only one wild card is allowed to participate in
the Shootout and the Dunk Contest, all other participants must be on the
All-Star team or…
3)
The hosting city is guaranteed a participant in
the Three Point Shootout and Dunk Contest. Gotta give the fans someone to root
for.
4)
When making All-Star selections team success and
current 2011-2012 form are weighted heavier than career statistics.
5)
But career statistics do matter, if choosing
between a career AS and a player who has been in the league for awhile but has
just begun playing at an AS level, I will choose the player with the pedigree.
6)
Popularity among fans/media members has zero
importance. I know it’s an All-Star game, but we want the best players out
there, not the flashiest.
7)
We separate All-Star roster spots into three
positions (suggested by ESPN’s John Hollinger). Points, wings, and bigs.
Nowadays we have a lot of guard/forwards and forward/centers. It’s time to
separate them. The guard, forward, center voting format is archaic at this
point.
8)
Oh yeah, instead of the typical East vs. West
format, we’re going with the captain’s-pick-the-team format, similar to the NHL
All-Star game and a format the NBA instituted this year in the Rising Stars Challenge. Captains will select from a pool of 22 All-stars, 11 from each
conference. The two captains will be a Home Team Guy and the reigning MVP. If
there is no Home Team guy or reigning MVP on the AS roster, the next option is the Finals MVP. The
last option is a fan vote.
All-Star Saturday Night
Three Point Shootout
Defending champ: James Jones. As soon as he loses, he’ll never
be invited again.
Wild Card: Ray Allen. Jesus Shuttlesworth should be
grandfathered into this competition until he retires. And he’ll always be the
favorite.
Home team guy: Ryan Anderson. Obvious choice. Leading the
league in 3s made and attempted. This is pretty much all he does.
All-Star: Kevin Durant. Yes he stunk it up last year, but
having a superstar in the competition makes it more interesting.
All-Star: Kevin Love. I’d rather have big men stay away from
the three-point line, but Kevin Love shoots the 3 and rebounds, so no qualms
here.
All-Star: Steve Nash. In a season where teams play 4-5 games
a week, a 38-year-old should not be able to shoot .560 from the field and .455
from deep. I don’t know what they do to these guys in Phoenix but I’d guess
that’s part of the reason Nash hasn’t asked out.
Dunk Contest
Defending Champ: Lob City bitch Lob Lob City bitch. The
Blake Show returns to defend his crown in Orlando. He’s been on record saying,
“it’s not my thing.” I beg to differ.
Home team representative: Isn’t it obvious? Von Wafer! Oh
you thought I was picking Dwight? Nah, he’s all Dunk Contest’ed out. Plus he
might not be on the team by the time AS weekend rolls around.
Wild-Card: DeMar Derozan. The man was robbed last year.
Let’s redeem ourselves America.
All-Star: Lebron James. I had a hard time picking this one.
Matt King of the Bleacher Report calls Lebron a coward for never participating
in the high-flying spectacle. That’s a little harsh, but he is being a pussy.
The man has image concerns. His reasons are deplorable, and the fact that he’ll
never do it even though the entire NBA Universe wants to see it is rather
selfish. Lebron my friend, you could bring the house down by just announcing
that you’ll participate. As it stands, we’re mocking you for being a pansy.
The potential candidates for this last spot are huge. If I
were commish I’d put it to a fan vote, this is one that is impossible to get
wrong. Here are the options:
Bron Bron.
Westbrook. Dunking point guards are oh so fun to watch. Take
a look at this. And this. And this. While he may be a two-man masquerading as a
point man, there is no denying his supreme talent and athletic ability.
Derrick Rose. Ditto for the reigning MVP. A big part of
dunking is the way the dunker’s body moves while in flight. That is what makes
a dunker spectacular. D Rose’s in-air movement would tempt the NBA’s best color
analyst, Bill Walton, to go all 70s era psychedelic on us and compare it to
some little known historical figure.
Josh Smith. Let’s just say he has mastered the art of flight.
Dwyane Wade. He doesn’t have the lift he had a couple years
ago, but he is still the prettiest man in the air. Not to mention the intrigue
that would come from teammate v teammate in a dunk contest.
Andre Iguodala. I wasn’t gonna include him until I saw him
throw it down on the entire Bulls roster the other night. So much power. So
much explosiveness.
Rudy Gay. Rudy’s in-air game is always a joy to watch.
We can't wrong with any of these guys. Let's just throw all of them in the dunk contest!
In Pt. II we get into the All-star representatives from each conference
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