Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Jersey Campbell's State of the Union Address

Good evening members of congress, the senate, my cabinet, justices of the Supreme Court, and all my niggas and bitches in attendance. 

Tonight I stand here proud and American as apple pie and miseducated voters. I stand here proud because we can all sleep safely tonight knowing Osama Bin Laden is not comin’ to get ya. 

Despite our glorious achievements, this administration still has much to do. 

Jobs that have once been staples of the great American economy are being shipped overseas, leaving America’s workforce underworked, and underutilized. Those at the top of the economic mountain have seen their salaries and their wealth increase at astounding proportions, while the average worker has to deal with the rising cost of living and the possibility of being laid off. I stand here before America and I pledge to do everything within my power to buck this trend!

In fact, the trend has already begun to lean the other way. Job creation is at its highest since 2005. In the last 22 months alone, more than three million jobs have been created due to initiatives taken by the hardworking men and women involved in this administration and me, your President, who just so happens to be up for reelection this year. It’s not that big of a deal, I’m jus’ sayin’. 

The state of our Union grows stronger every day. General Motors (thanks for the campaign donations guys) is back on top as the world’s number one auto maker. Ford and Chrysler are reemerging as staples of the new green economy, cutting cost while being environmentally friendly.

This past year, while openly increasing our debt spending to record proportions (again) the government came together and agreed to cut the ridiculous 15-plus trillion dollar deficit by two trillion. That may sound meager to some of you but shit, it took us months to agree on. 

We must reinvest in the education of our children. Disregard the fact that in the upcoming year, federal educational spending is nine times less than our military spending. While Obama may not get you in your sleep tonight, best believe he got brothers and sisters and cousins and sons and even more sons ready and willing to avenge his death. Unless you want a dead president, I’d keep my mouth shut about our military spending. 

The education of the youth will be a top priority for our administration this year and in subsequent years. (Please reelect me!) We cannot have the jobs created by all the sacrificing businesses be created in vain. We need our kids to stay in schools. Rising tuition costs are not helping this country sustain its greatness. The cost of colleges sways countless high school graduates away from attending. We will extend the tuition tax credit and double the amount of work study jobs available to students. 

America was built on the backbone of small businesses and innovative entrepreneurs who broke technological and social barriers. We must expand tax relief for small businesses and tear down barriers that discourage potential entrepreneurs from starting an enterprise. 

The tax code must be restricted so that all Americans pay their fair share. Income inequality is something that will never go away, but we are working on legislation that requires top wage owners to contribute substantially more than they are now. 

We are finally making our way out of Afghanistan and Iraq, while slowly but surely strengthening our bases in other Middle Easter Countries like Syria, Egypt, and Libya. 

America is a great nation because of sacrifices made over 300 years ago. Today, my fellow Americans, I ask for us to make a few sacrifices ourselves. 

Thank you, may God bless you, and God bless the United States of America! Roll Tide

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