A peek inside the soul of a soulless man Pt. IV: Hell hath no fury? by Jersey Campbell

The Lake of Fire

               If I die in my sleep tonight (crossing my fingers) and I wake up staring Lucifer dead in the face, I’ll know I’m fucked. I will also know my disbelief in God was totally wrong and I’ll immediately start praying to Yahweh and asking forgiveness for my countless sins, like driving while intoxicated, inhaling herbal shrubs, and vagrancy. 

                If there is a hell and I find myself burning for eternity after my earthly body is dead and gone, I’d have reaped what I’ve been sowing for 22 years. I usually don’t prognosticate or pose hypothetical’s (yeah iight), but if that day were to come, I think I’d be OK with burning for the rest of eternity. My fate would be justly deserved. But until that day comes, I will steadfastly refuse to truly “give my heart to the lord.” 

Am I prepared to burn in hell for my stubbornness/intelligence/common sense? Is anybody prepared to suffer until the end of time? No, I am in no way prepared. First off, I’d need some sun tan lotion, I’m not tryna look like Wesley Snipes by my second day down there. Secondly, I’m definitely sneaking some water in there somehow. Anybody who has experienced cotton mouth knows how uncomfortable it is. How am I sneaking water into hell? And who is asking me questions in an essay that I’m writing? Anyways, I’ll tell you how- I’m gonna swallow it. Bold, risky, I know, but how else is a man gonna get water into the hottest place in the universe? And if swallowing doesn’t work, I’ll stick it in my bunghole, that should do it. And I’ll need one of those pool chairs. With my flat feet, standing for extended periods of time in a sea of fire is a no-no. 

Death doesn’t scare me at all, even the possibility of being a permanent resident of the devil’s chambers doesn’t scare me. I am only weighing my options and assessing what the consequences are for each alternative. I presume those of us who have taken philosophy 101 know of Pascal’s wager. Let’s do a little review: 

We start with two opposite possibilities. God exists or he doesn’t exist; this is something no one can prove either way, but we’ll still fight to the death over it. I’d rather fight for the Shire. (Sorry, I don’ gone off on one o’ my tangents again.) Now we add two corresponding possibilities. You believe in God or you don’t believe in God. Simple, right? Let’s continue. According to my boy Blaise Pascal, a rational human being will believe in God and behave accordingly because there is much more to gain from belief then non-belief. How does he come to this conclusion? Let’s analyze.

We have four possibilities in total, two pairs of corresponding possibilities. That means there are four alternative conclusions to draw from. 

Alternative #1) You are a non-believer and the Christian religion is true: you’re in deep doo doo my friend. Don’t ask me for any of my water when you get down there. 

Alternative #2) You are a non-believer and the Christian religion is false: good to go. There is no hell for you to worry about. 

Alternative #3) You are a believer and the Christian religion is true: the pearly gates of heaven will open and White Jesus will greet you with open arms and virgin… margaritas.

Alternative #4) You are a believer and the Christian religion is false: you lived a fulfilling life worshipping a God as real as Frodo Baggins and Gandalf the Grey. But there is no heavenly payoff, no chillin’ in the sky with Sweet Baby Jesus.

So here we have our four possibilities: no God + believer = meh... No God + non-believer = meh… God + believer = heaven awaits... God + non-believer = HELL (cue rising fire animation). If you’ve been keeping score, you will find that if you believe in the almighty, the best that could happen is a lifetime admittance into heaven’s open bar (no alcohol though) and the worst is meh. If you don’t believe in the almighty the best that could happen is meh and the worst is Hell (rising fire animation!). Make sense? 

The problem (aside from using probability to proclaim your devotion to the holy one) is my zero tolerance policy towards bullshit.  I will not apologize for calling the notion of a heaven and hell bullshit because to me, it is. The world is too diverse and complicated for people to be separated into sinners and those who repent. There are too many religions/cults/cultures to believe with any sensible certainty that you will be rewarded for believing in God. I know plenty of wonderful, considerate, caring people who think religion is a worldwide sham, preying on the fears and insecurities of the people. I also know plenty of Christian people who rabble rouse and send troops into Iraq with little to no evidence about their WoMD programs. (I speak mainly of Christians because that is the religion I grew up in, so my knowledge of it is more robust. My thoughts on religion and deities are not discriminatory. I don’t think any religion is legitimate.) If the good people of the world who don’t believe all have the same infernal fate, I’d rather stand steadfast against the holy one then praise him. 

The fear of an eternity in hell is supposed to deter us from committing evil acts. We ignore the joy of living peacefully among each other and caring for one another out of natural kindness, not some supernatural fairy tale that promises a perfect world after we die (John 3:36- Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life; whoever does not obey the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God remains on him). Religions are bullshit because they use this promise as a way to encourage people to do good. Perform good deeds and you go to heaven, or you get reincarnated as an Arab Oil Sheik and get to buy an EPL team (according to Hinduism). 

Don’t you find it hard to believe that a good God is even willing to let his people suffer for eternity? What’s up with that? If there is a God, he/she/it can suck my meat for screwing with the human race as much as he/she/it does. Apparently God finds it suitable to punish human beings who doubt him for comprehensible reasons, like ya boy. God, my dear friend, if you are real, can you please stop messing with us? Too many people have suffered and died for you not to come out and do something. I understand you gave us free will (supposedly) but if you could just once reveal yourself, that would be soooo helpful. 

Imagine, if you will, that you were God’s right hand man/woman. Would you idly sit by and let him/her/it chill out with his/her/it virgin margaritas and watch us destroy ourselves? Would you be OK with people not believing in God without irrefutable proof, then banishing them to hell? God is supposed to be all powerful, why is the only support for him/her/it faith based? There are questions I’d like to ask God if he/she/it is real. Why do you send good people to hell? Is that how you get your kicks, you sick, narcissistic twat of a deity? Of course we’re all fucked up in the head, it’s because you created us in your image! 

Now that I’m thinking about it, it almost makes sense. Think of all the people or ideas we’ve placed our faith in in the past. Lebron James, Adolf Hitler, 95% 100% of U.S. Presidents, your degenerate uncle Rufus, OJ Simpson, I could go on forever. We’ve gotten burned for putting our faith in these (some trivial, some not so much) things before, and you want me to believe in God and “have faith?” Fuck outta here. Faith is a dangerous and unsteady pillar to throw your life’s support on. Yet billions of us around the world succumb to the opiate of the people. 

God shouldn’t be punishing people for shunning the church and his (perceived) laws. Do we even know if cares about us? He can’t possibly care that much. Roaches will still be around when humans eventually kill themselves off through nuclear war (or global warming, or food shortages, or an energy crisis, or some new threat that is bound to come up in the next five years), maybe he loves roaches.  We have every reason to doubt God’s existence, he/she/it has little reason to not prove it. It is a major leap of faith to believe in something so grand and encompassing that it controls your life and everything around it. One would think God would have some understanding of why people choose not to believe. He sounds like a egotistical maniac to me. You can be the best human being ever. Saving lives, curing AIDS patients for free, donating sperm, building schools in third world counties, and being overly thoughtful. But you better believe in God, because if you don’t he/she/it will punish you, forever. 

So when I die and I’m standing at hell’s check-in counter, I won’t be praying to God for forgiveness, but cursing him for being so damn maniacal and cruel. The sly bastard.