Tuesday, October 18, 2011

PLNL: And the Blow Goes On by Jersey Campbell

Vicarious World now has the exclusive reporting rights to the Professional Ladies of the Night League. We are extremely pleased and honored to be the only news outlet worthy enough to cover the PLNL. There will be many stories and updates on the PLNL along with the pimps and hoes that the league is famous for. For our first article detailing the comings and goings of the PLNL our very own Jersey Campbell writes a mini-synopsis of the trophy winning Chicago Blow franchise.  Read, and be merry. 

A Pimp Named Slickback doesn’t putHomies ova Hoes,” but everything else is fair game. The 2011 Professional Ladies of the Night League Champions Chicago Blow are through resting on their laurels, and A Pimp Named Slickback continues to work 15-hour work days through the off-season. 

A Pimp Named Slickback always recites the pimp's prayer before conducting business
The Blow’s narrow 15 point finish over the surprise newly promoted Houston Cougars marks their second top finish in the last six years. While other big-city squads like the New York Knicker-Knockers and the LA Walk of Shame splurge on big-money talents, A Pimp Named Slickback’s stinginess with the dough has somehow managed to build another team of whores that sucks and fucks harder and with more conviction than any other team in the Playboy Club.

“If you give the hoes too much money off the jump, they are prone to feel entitled. El Capitan [owner of the Knicker-knockers] and The Don [owner of the Walk of Shame] pay they bitches way too much money,” A Pimp Named Slickback told Vicarious World, “Dem bitches got talent, nah mean, but they ain’t hungry like my Precious and my Itty Bitty Lily .” When asked if he meant literally hungry or figuratively hungry, A Pimp Named Slickback replied, “Nigga I don’t feed the hoes myself! HAHAHAHAHAHA.”

It is a team of former no-names and also-rans. Rumor has it that Precious was found in a local Chicago theater by one of the Blow’s scouts a month before the season began. When the scout first saw her she was selling large popcorn combos while looking detached and lifeless behind the counter. America saw a low-life, the scout saw a ho. As the story goes, this scout gamed his way into a sexual encounter with Precious on her next break, immediately saw (I mean felt) her potential, and insisted that A Pimp Named Slickback sign her to the league minimum. The rest is history. Precious ended up in the top 10 of clients served in the Playboy Club, only the third time a rookie ho has done so.

A Pimp Named Slickback has been in the pimp game since forever. While his shrewd spending habits have often limited the output of the Blow, signings like Precious come along every once in awhile and catapult the team to the top of Ho Mountain.

It was only three years ago that the tenacious Itty Bitty Lilly famously found/stalked/whatever A Pimp Named Slickback walking out of a hair salon. She was denied time and time again in her requests to be added to the roster. After she showed up outside the hair salon for the umpteenth time A Pimp Named Slickback knew she had the I’m-gonna-get-this-nut-no-matter-what attitude that the Blow value in a ho. To this day the captain, Itty Bitty Lilly, maintains the drive and the focus on the Blow, motivating the hoes and serving as a constant reminder that dreams do come true, even though their salaries are the second-lowest in the Playboy Club. Her leadership is the most valuable commodity that the Blow has and she was rewarded with her second straight team MVH award. “We love that bitch,” Suzy Irene told Vicarious World, “I’m pretty sure she crazy but hell, for some reason she make me wanna try harder.” The other hoes get better because Itty Bitty Lilly is leading the charge.

Prostitution prognosticators don’t see the Blow winning back-to-back Playboy Club Championships, but there’s no reason to believe this team can’t win it again. With Diamond Lamont threatening not to perform any more fellatio unless given a raise; and Daimonds Starr's recent down season that many believe is due to intra-squad pressure from the young prodigy Fresh LeXXX (damn she’s sexy), the other top two contenders have issues that will hurt their chances in 2012. “We do what it do baby,” says Coach Two-time Two-time, “we ain’t gonna stop winning still the police catch us. And even then, we still winning baby.” If Two-time Two-time is right, the Blow’s run may last for awhile.

No comments:

Post a Comment