Monday, October 3, 2011

*Vicarious World Special*- Is It Love? by Kelly Sagina

Vicarious World would like to introduce Kelly Sagina. Kelly likes long walks on the beach and can often be found riding her bike to and from the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Michelle Obama likes to think that she stole Barack from her, but she knows Kelly was done with him by them. Kelly is a welcome addition to the Vicarious World team of wannabe writers. Read, and be merry. 

I still think about him. I still remember the way he looked at me when we first met and how he smiled at me. I remember how he wrote his phone number in ridiculously huge numbers on notebook paper so I wouldn’t forget or lose it. These were happier and more innocent times, before everyone had a cell phone and during the epitome of the internet boom. Even though we don’t speak at all now, I always find my life crossing paths with his. He and I got the same scar down our bellies from two different accidents in two very different parts of the world. He was riding his bicycle in Brooklyn and was struck by a car and ruptured his spleen. I was in Spain in the back seat of a car on my way to my grandma's house from the beach. Our car collided head on with another car. The impact was so forceful that it caused the seat belt I was wearing to make significant damage to my intestines. We both went through exploratory laparatomies within 3 months of each other, his accident being before mine. I found out about his accident after mine of course, I saw some pictures on his Facebook of him being in the hospital so I called him and we met up for oysters and beer and talked about how we could’ve died.

As I pack my bowl and start to light it I remember the last time I saw him. We smoked up together and I recall how he led me on and I take another hit so I won’t get upset at the thought of it. He told me he was proud of me for trying to get my life together. We acted as if no time has gone between; as if we never ended our relationship or love that we had for each other. But he still won’t have me even though he kisses me and touches me like he does. Is it because I am not Jewish? Is it because I broke his heart when we were teenagers? Or is it because I am not as virtuous as I once had been? Whatever the real reason is, I wouldn’t know it, you would have to ask him.

Whatever the reason is that he and I can’t be together, I always think about him and always compare my relationships with the one I had with him. Is it very typical of me to want to be with someone I can’t have? The past should be the past. But what if you change so much and you regret some of the things you have done? I kind of ended our relationship to see what else was available to me, to see what my options were. I was young, I was only 16, isn’t it normal for me to feel like there is something more out there? But what if you leave a person you love to see if you could find something better but then don’t find it? Well that was the risk I took and I hope to find something so special. Its not everyday a girl receives an email that says I love you a million times over.

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