PLNL: El Capitan and the incompetence of the Putas by Jersey Campbell

For our second feature on the news and notes of the Professional Ladies of the Night League, Jersey Campbell takes a look at the Puerto Rican Putas- a franchise that has been stuck in the XXX League for over two decades- and the man solely responsible for their most recent failures. 

It’s been 24 years since the Puerto Rican Putas have seen the perverse glory of the Playboy Club and an even more mystifying 15 years since they’ve been in the top two of the XXX League. For a region with that much talent, continuous underachievement seems devastatingly puzzling.

It is not difficult to count the many great prostitutes of Puerto Rican origin. Lucy Favor, Meleena Gomez, BIG Girl (formally known as Puta Grande), and Monica Charapes represent only a fraction of the most talented hoes the PLNL has seen from Puerto Rico. The Putas organization obviously cannot keep their bitches in line. Even when they do retain Puerto Rican talent, they end up leaving after one or two years for more lucrative contracts. The bitches that end up staying on the island rarely live up to their potential, as we’ve seen with the overhyped J.Ho., who's coitus sessions often disappoint the horniest of fans. What are the Putas supposed to do when other clubs incessantly poach away their top prospects?

The prime poacher of Puerto Rico’s abundance of sexual talent is the New York Knicker-Knockers. At the end of 2004 things were on the up-and-up for the long dormant Putas franchise. That year, they finished third in the XXX League for the second year in a row and were on the verge of finally ending their stay in the lower division of the PLNL. That year was Puta Grande’s (now BIG Girl of the NY Knicker-knockers) promising rookie season. During that offseason, Coach El Capitan and owner Emmanuel La Negra continued their run of brilliant personnel moves and signed the then 17-year-old Lucy Favor. Favor and Grande were going to be the anchors of the Putas franchise for years to come; they were two of the most beautiful bitches the XXX League had seen since the great G-string Geena. Of course, this was too good to be true.

On the night of February 15^th, 2005, everything the Putas had been building for suddenly collapsed faster than a ho with no pimp. Coach El Capitan was found to be involved in a major drug deal. The Puerto Rican authorities immediately put a bounty on the revered coach’s head, and he was forced to flee the island. But not before somehow coming away with the money from the drug deal (to this day no one knows how El Capitan made it out of the island when the entire police force was looking for him, or how he escaped with all the cash).

A couple of months later El Capitan resurfaced in NY and brought the Knicker-knockers. All charges against him were dropped (I don’t get it either). Not only did he wind up a pardoned man, he also looted the Putas for their two best hoes, Grande and Favor. He is known for having a way with women. They say it is impossible not to be attracted to his perfect goatee, or the contemporary civil war-era get-up that he always wears in public. His demeanor enabled him to enforce strict guidelines on the hoes he coached in Puerto Rico, and now he has brought that same staid character to the Knicker-knockers organization. In a business full of tyrants, he is the most Machiavellian of them all.   

Cristo Street is not Broadway

And he is the number one reason why the Putas will be stuck in the XXX League for years to come. After (illegally?) signing BIG Girl and Lucy Favor during the first transfer period of the 2005 season, his next goal was to keep one foot in his native island and one in New York. He always had a favorable relationship with former PLNL superstar G-string Geena back in Puerto Rico, and she soon signed on to coach the Knicker-knockers. If it was difficult to keep top talent in Puerto Rica before Geena’s signing, it became virtually impossible after.

If Puerto Rica was a monarchy, everyone knows who the queen would be. Geena has been a Puerto Rican favorite from the moment she began giving jobs (both hand and blow) on the street corners of San Juan. She is a local hero.  Her appointment as coach of the Knicker-knockers was more about reaching aspiring young hoes in Puerto Rico then her coaching skills. Why Emmanuel la Negra failed to see the recruiting potential Geena would have for the Puta’s is baffling.

Recent history’s indicators show that the Puta’s will wallow in the doldrums of the XXX League for years to come. Bright lights, heavy pockets and the chance to be coached by a living legend have made NY the numero uno destination for young Puerto Rican hoes. The streets of San Juan aren’t gold enough to attract the best hoes of the region, and they never were.