2012 Presidential Election Tale of the Tape: the Frivolous Facts by Jersey Campbell

 

No joke, we’ve got a presidential election coming up in less than six months. Are you hype? I’m hype! Can’t wait to NOT vote that day. It’s gonna be so much fun.

To prep the American public for this election, I, the one and only Jersey Campbell, have drafted a 2012 Presidential Candidate Tale of the Tape. Only Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are analyzed here because frankly, none of the other candidates matter. If you know who they are or caught a glimpse of them on any major news network it was a mistake. You will probably be labeled as a terror threat, hunted down, and killed. We will call it an accident, or suicide. There have been cases where people shoot themselves with sniper rifles from three miles away. This is America, we don’t business with alternatives.

In celebration of methods used by the news media to cover the all-important election, we will be measuring these two upstanding men according to factors that really have no bearing on how “right” they are for the American people. Basically, we’ll be ignoring the real shit. Let’s proceed.

*It took a lot of extensive (pointless) research to find these answers. You don’t have to thank me, but you’re welcome.

Category	OBAMA	ROMNEY	Advantage
Height/weight	6’1” / 180	6’0” / 185	Both have the build of an NBA point guard: EVEN
Fav movie	The Godfather	Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?	OBAMA: Godfather is boss
Ethnicity	Half-and-half (black and white)	Caucasian	Isn’t it obvious? The White Man always wins: ROMNEY
Net worth	$200 million	$10.5 million	ROMNEY: 200 > 10.5… it’s simple math folks
Kids’ names	Tagg, Matt, Josh, Ben, Craig	Malia Ann, Natasha	OBAMA: Tagg? Really?
Political party	Democrat	Republican	EVEN: yes, this is included in the “shit that don’t matter” category
Hometown	Detroit, Michigan	Honolulu, Hawaii	OBAMA: Hawaii = cool
Fav Olympic sport	Basketball	Women’s beach volleyball	ROMNEY: I FUCKS WITH YOU MITT!
Spouse hotness level	Michelle look like she’ll wash me up	Ann seems like a nice lady, but she ain’t hot	Dare I say the first lady definitely has MILF status: OBAMA
Religion	Christian	Mormon	Separation of church and state anyone? Anyone? : EVEN
Hairstyle	Caesar. Clean. Cool. Professional.	Traditional Anglo-Saxon “good” hair	ROMNEY: I’m tired, this is boring me. I don’t care.

Final score:                    Obama- 4

                                    Romney- 4

There you have it folks. If you’re having trouble at the voting booth in November, refer back to this definitive, unimportant breakdown of our candidates. This tells you all you need to know- there really is no advantage to either choice. Happy voting!