Monday, June 18, 2012

2012 Presidential Election Tale of the Tape: the Frivolous Facts by Jersey Campbell

No joke, we’ve got a presidential election coming up in less than six months. Are you hype? I’m hype! Can’t wait to NOT vote that day. It’s gonna be so much fun.
To prep the American public for this election, I, the one and only Jersey Campbell, have drafted a 2012 Presidential Candidate Tale of the Tape. Only Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are analyzed here because frankly, none of the other candidates matter. If you know who they are or caught a glimpse of them on any major news network it was a mistake. You will probably be labeled as a terror threat, hunted down, and killed. We will call it an accident, or suicide. There have been cases where people shoot themselves with sniper rifles from three miles away. This is America, we don’t business with alternatives.

In celebration of methods used by the news media to cover the all-important election, we will be measuring these two upstanding men according to factors that really have no bearing on how “right” they are for the American people. Basically, we’ll be ignoring the real shit. Let’s proceed.

*It took a lot of extensive (pointless) research to find these answers. You don’t have to thank me, but you’re welcome.
6’1” / 180
6’0” / 185
Both have the build of an NBA point guard: EVEN
Fav movie
The Godfather
Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
OBAMA: Godfather is boss
Half-and-half (black and white)
Isn’t it obvious? The White Man always wins: ROMNEY
Net worth
$200 million
$10.5 million
200 > 10.5… it’s simple math folks
Kids’ names
Tagg, Matt, Josh, Ben, Craig
Malia Ann, Natasha
OBAMA: Tagg? Really?
Political party
EVEN: yes, this is included in the “shit that don’t matter” category
Detroit, Michigan
Honolulu, Hawaii
Hawaii = cool
Fav Olympic sport
Women’s beach volleyball
Spouse hotness level
Michelle look like she’ll wash me up
Ann seems like a nice lady, but she ain’t hot
Dare I say the first lady definitely has MILF status: OBAMA
Separation of church and state anyone? Anyone? : EVEN
Caesar. Clean. Cool. Professional.
Traditional Anglo-Saxon “good” hair
ROMNEY: I’m tired, this is boring me. I don’t care.

Final score:                    Obama- 4
                                    Romney- 4

There you have it folks. If you’re having trouble at the voting booth in November, refer back to this definitive, unimportant breakdown of our candidates. This tells you all you need to know- there really is no advantage to either choice. Happy voting!

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