A Modest Swiftian Proposal Concerning Drug Education by K.V. Sart

The Vicarious World Blog would like to introduce K.V. Sart. Mr. Sart will be a regular on Vicarious World. He's insightful, humorous, and is known to tussle with black bears out in the Appalachian Mountains. He is also The Most Interesting Man in the World's primary adviser. 
Read, and be merry.

It is within the soul that the individual finds their place in existence. Career choices, living arrangements, clothing fashions, all of them products of the human rationale, bound to the limits of environment and society. Where does true meaning come from, in the realest sense?

Often for those living on the fringe of society, psychoactive substances take the place of emotional connection and societal acceptance. For some, the search for meaning has been replaced by artificial brain stimulation.  I am often struck by the sincerest and unapologetic misuse of substances by my generation. Boredom and a severe lack of knowledge seems the culprit. We must educate the youth in matters of proper timing and place for inebriation. We have all known the embarrassment of taking blues in a party setting, passing out on a couch with our shoes on, only to be written on with a black sharpie pen, and going into work the next day with fallacies printed around our mouths. Such a situation is the equivalent of attempting to hammer in a nail with a screwdriver; both, at their core essence do a similar job, but the situation itself dictates the tool.

It is too easy to simply say no one should ever take drugs; history has proven many times over that this does not work. The usefulness of particular substances for certain occasions is too great to ignore. Instead, an alteration in the attitudes towards drugs and drug use is needed.

Drug education, and drug prohibition in general, has not worked. It has become the policy of educators to lie to children about substance use. Let us take a moment to analyze this phenomenon.

Little Albert stays after class one day to speak to his health teacher, Mrs. Anslinger, about something he has seen his friends partaking in. Little Albert tells Mrs. Anslinger that he has witnessed a few of his friends smoking a funny smelling cigarette after school. He says that even though their behavior becomes erratic and they routinely eat the contents of his cabinet, they seem to be enjoying themselves. Mrs. Anslinger, being a highly educated health professional, immediately recognizes this as marijuana use and warns Little Albert that he should not engage in such activities. She goes on to say that smoking marijuana is one of the most unhealthy behaviors an individual can partake in and also notes that marijuana is just as dangerous as substances like alcohol, heroine, and methamphetamine.

Now it must be noted that Little Albert's parents, like many other respectable people in this country, enjoy having a glass of wine with their dinner. On the night of Little Albert's conversation with Mrs. Anslinger, Little Albert tells his parents about the conversation he has had with Mrs. Anslinger. He tells them that alcohol use is just as bad as marijuana and heroine use. Little Albert's parents, as any normal adult in the same situation would do, explain to him that alcohol use by people of the proper age is not a bad thing, and in fact can be beneficial in certain situations.

This weighs heavily on Little Albert's mind the following day. He thinks, "if Mrs. Anslinger lied to me about how bad alcohol is, maybe she lied about how bad marijuana is," so the next time Little Albert is offered the funny cigarette, he smokes it. He comes to enjoy the feeling the marijuana provides, and begins to think, "if Mrs. Anslinger lied about how bad marijuana is, maybe she lied about how bad heroine and methamphetamine are." To make a long story short, Little Albert is now living under a bridge in San Francisco, pan handling to maintain his $200 a day heroine habit.

To avoid such problems, I propose the following; children should be put on a required plan of substance exposure. If we require that all children (in a controlled and fitting setting of course) be exposed to the benefits of drugs, not only will this decrease abuse, it will also increase proper and positive use.

Such ideas have already been circulated, as we have seen through the increase of amphetamine derivative prescriptions. It is for this reason that academic amphetamine use, because it is so widely accepted, should be the introductory substance of this drug program. All children should be required to use amphetamines at the time of their entrance into middle school (that is, unless they have already been prescribed this medication prior to their entrance into middle school). Once children have been exposed to this substance, they will be equipped to properly use it for the remainder of their education. The benefits of amphetamines in the academic setting are undeniable. Children will become more capable of extended study and concentration. They will become excited each and every day to learn.

After amphetamine use is mastered, it would behoove administrators to progress to another substance of similar use. It would be my recommendation that cocaine should be administered as the first substance of the high school level drug program. The benefits of cocaine are most surely obvious; increased concentration, a feeling of euphoria, increased levels of social engagement. Proper use in academia may even produce the next Sigmund Freud.

The cocaine administration routine would follow as such; for a period of two weeks, every child would be required to insufflate approximately .1 grams of cocaine at the beginning of each class period, every other day. After the first two weeks of the program is complete, children can move to every day use. In the following two weeks, dosage can be upped to .2 g insufflated before each class period and if children begin to complain about the drugs affects decreasing, it will be at the discretion of health administrators to determine whether intravenous injections are necessary. Of course, this cocaine administration routine should only last approximately two months, a time span that is surely not long enough to cause any unmanageable addiction problems.

As was previously noted, the intent of such a drug program is to pair the correct setting with the correct substance. As freshman become more comfortable with an upper level academic setting, Lysergic Acid Diethylamide may prove to extremely beneficial. This substance can only serve to strengthen the bonds that these youngsters began to build in the beginning of the year, and will also serve to boost these youngsters' creativity levels. It would be advisable to coordinate the introduction of this substance with the beginning of both art and music classes. Those who are inclined towards the creative arts would certainly recognize this passion through the aid of LSD.

Acid administration should take place only once a day at a micro dose. As students become more comfortable with the effects, an increased dose may become necessary. English classes should coordinate the reading of Aldous Huxley's, "The Doors of Perception," as well as Hunter S. Thompson's, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," with the beginning of the LSD portion of the program. Both pieces of literature, albeit in opposite ways, outline some possible benefits and outcomes of psychedelic use.

After the two-month introduction of LSD, students should be given the rest of the year off to recuperate. It is important that the school children be given this break, as we do not want them to turn into muck mouthed burnouts. Along with the normal summer reading assignments, children will be advised to consume at least one smoked marijuana cigarette a day for the summer. Mandatory, drug testing should be in place to identify any students in non-compliance with the summer assignment.

For sophomore year, students will need to use a substance that can build upon the prior years experience. Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, or MDMA, can serve to push the boundaries they had previously broken through with the introduction of LSD, and will only serve to further creativity. Additionally, the dreariness of returning to school after the summer will be made more bearable with MDMA.
Students will first orally ingest the straight MDMA molecule at a dose of .1 g following the lunch period. Because tolerance builds so rapidly, an increased dose may be necessary within the first week or so. It may be advisable during this particular program to require talk therapy sessions once a week.

A period of extreme depression and hopelessness may follow this extended MDMA use. It is for this reason that following the MDMA program, we shall introduce students to there first pharmaceuticals. Anxiety medication, particularly the barbiturates, will do perfectly. Students should be exposed to a week of Klonopin use, followed by a week of Xanax, then Phenobarbital, and finally a week of Secobarbital. After the students are properly introduced to each one of these substances, they should be allowed to choose whichever barbiturate they desire for the remainder of the year.

If any students fail to complete any of the four-part program just described, they shall be required to attend summer session drug classes. It is important to remember that these students should not be reprimanded in the slightest way for this non-completion. It may be the case that the previously mentioned substances simply do not fit with their specific personalities. If such a case should present itself, administrators may wish to pair these students with a drug counselor in a one to one setting. These drug counselors should be equipped to provide these students with information about the other available substances and together they can find a drug that fits the individual’s personality.

In addition to the aforementioned summer drug school program, there should be an additional summer program for those students who have excelled in the regular program. Such students should be introduced to the more spiritual substances such as Psilocybin, Amanita Muscaria, and Peyote. To some, this may seem to cross the boundaries of the widely held belief that religion should not be taught in schools; however, these substances are not necessarily religious in nature, but rather personally spiritual. Individuals between the ages of 15 and 18 could, in my opinion, greatly benefit from the intense reaffirmation of spiritual experience these substances may provide.

Junior year of high school is often reported to be the most stressful academic year of high school. For this reason, I believe it is important that we reintroduce both amphetamine and cocaine to the Juniors. It may be the case that certain students have a clear grasp on the intentions of the proposed drug program and are ready to take control their own substance intake. This is the ideal outcome of the proposed program, and students who show their proficiency should be allowed the freedom to choose any of the previously touched on substances. Drug testing for these students is imperative, as we shall want to track the preferred substances of proficient drug users in order to improve the drug program in future years.

Senior year is often a time when students begin to loose focus on school. For this reason, opiates shall be the final substance of the drug program. Also, for those students who have begun to realize their lives are hopeless, and possibly meaningless, the opiates will certainly hold wide the sides of the void, making it easier to slink into oblivion.

Students should start the year by smoking opium routinely during class periods, and as tolerance builds, they should be switched to the oral ingestion of codeine pills. As the year progresses, students can be pushed into a program of Percocet, Oxycontin, and Roxycodone. As finals begin to roll around, students can begin intravenous injections of heroine. A close guiding hand should be kept on students during the heroine phase of the program, as overdoses may affect funding rates. English classes should choose applicable literature to make evident what can be expected from a life spent pursuing heroine. It may also prove beneficial to play Velvet Underground albums during lunch period.

I believe it to be necessary to implement some sort of standardized drug testing to test graduating students’ proficiency in drug use. It is important that we are sure that students are entering the real world as informed drug users. It would be a shame for students to enter college and working life without the knowledge the proposed program hopes to impart.