Jersey Campbell: First off, we’d like to thank you for taking the time out to answer our questions.
Commissioner Samson: Well Jersey, this is a part of my job, and I’d be remiss if we never had a conversation, no?
JC: Iight cool. So, you’ve been commish for 17 years now, why don’t you tell us about some the challenges you’ve faced as the head of the PLNL?
CS: Where should I start? Anytime you are running a league that is literally illegal in 49 states, you’re going to deal with peculiar problems from law enforcement.
JC: Stop right there. How in heaven’s name is there not a franchise in Vegas? Isn’t that the most obvious locale for a prostitution league? I’m sure this has been discussed with the owners and I know fans are dying for the PLNL tour to stop there more than once a year.
CS: You’ve come at me with the hardball questions already Jersey. I was expecting a warm up.
We have refrained from establishing a franchise in Vegas simply because we haven’t had an owner willing to set-up shop there yet. Trust me, we’ve had talks about relocating one of the franchises but none of the other owners want to leave their established cities and fan bases. With or without Vegas, the PLNL will thrive.
Being able to hold our All-Star week there every year for the past ten years has been a test run for the city and every year it has been more than wonderful. As it stands, we are very pleased with the current format and have no immediate plans to alter it. Yes, we would love a franchise to be in Vegas, but it is not necessary at this time. When the time is right, a franchise will be based in Vegas, and they will be successful.
JC: What is your take on super-duper hoes Diamonds Starr and Diamond Lamont acting like prima donnas? Do you sense that these types of labor cases are a potential problem for such a successful enterprise?
CS: No, not at all. Every ho’s situation is handled solely by their pimp. They are the pimp’s property, and those problems can only be dealt with by the pimp. The league does not fuck with hoes on an individual basis unless no other party can reasonably do so.
JC: But can’t you see this becoming a problem in the near future? Look at the NBA lockout. You don’t want to end up like them.
CS: And we will not. There is no union protecting these players. And while they are free to determine whether they are going to perform week to week, they know that there are consequences for being insubordinate to their pimps. In the particular cases of Starr and Lamont, I think these issues will be resolved by the beginning of next season. If not, they can always be moved to a different club that is willing to pay them more during the transfer period.
JC: Looks like the pimps have these hoes caged up with nowhere to go.
CS: That is precisely why this business model works so well. The more power given to the hoes, the less stable and profitable the league will be.
JC: Is it 1711 or 2011? I’m confused.
CS: (chuckling) Its 2011, but don’t tell the bitches.
JC: Why choose the European football relegation/promotion format?
CS: Simple. Excitement plus motivation. All competitive sports should use some form of relegation and promotion. Every year the final weeks of the season display drama at both the top and the bottom of the standings for the Playboy Club and the XXX League. The last three-four weeks of every season has traditionally been the highest scoring portion of the year for the PLNL; which means people all over North America are getting pleasured with more tenacity than normal, which in turn means more revenue for the pimps and larger salaries for the hoes… if the pimps choose to do so. We love the idea of teams being rewarded for doing well and teams being penalized for not doing well. And while there are teams that seem to be stuck in the XXX League, with the proper management those teams could easily find themselves sucking and fucking against the world class hoes of the Playboy Club.
JC: When you say teams stuck in the lower division, are you referring to the Putas? There have been circulating rumors about moving the Putas to Vegas. Any truth to this gossip?
CS: Those rumors are just that, rumors. There are no relocation plans for the Putas. Our base in Spanish-speaking territories is strong; now is not the time to jeopardize that. Plus, the bitches that Puerto Rico produces are always top-class. Sometimes I wonder where all these fine hoes are coming from. Do they have a ho tree that sprouts dime-level bitches? I frequently visit the area myself to observe when the XXX League tour sets up shop there… and maybe get a blow job or seven.
JC: One last question. Are you allowed to fraternize with the hoes?
CS: During competition weeks I cannot fuck with the bitches, no. That would be illegal because I’d be contributing to the point total of one of the squads. And now that you’re technically an employee of the PLNL you are also forbidden from fornicating with the hoes during this time. But during the off-weeks bitches are free to perform sexual acts to whomever. That whomever is often yours truly. One of the many satisfying perks of being league commissioner of the PLNL.
JC: Maybe you could hook a brother up sometime.
CS: We shall see. I'm sure you'll have plenty of access to the hoes yourself now that you're our sole reporter.
JC: Sounds good to me. Once again we’d like to thank you for doing this interview.
CS: My pleasure Jersey. Keep up the outstanding work.